Blue Summer Ocean

Please don't ask any more how Mexico is.

It is fabulous and wild. And I am not even close to what it is.

So here I am, breathing the Mexican air, drinking the Mexican water and mystery, but not am I living it.

I am a prisoner.

Think of it this way: I am not allowed to go out with my Mexican friends, I should not go out unless under authorization, I know a lot about Mexico City from texts and books and Internet yet I have barely touched any of the historical relics.

I cannot sleep at night. Not because pf the altitude, not because of the homesickness.

Because I am constantly under vigilance.

I have to answer questions on "Where did you go?""What did you do?""With whom?""For what?""Who allowed you to do so?""For how long have you been out?". No respect of privacy.

If you know how beautifully brilliant the sun shines above and how green the city looks during the actual rain season, you probably will understand my self-pity being among nosy people like these.

A group of depressed losers. That's the definition I gave them.

Me included.

I stood at the shiningly new  Terminal 3 of Beijing Capital Intnl Airport, watched, till my dear sis and the two bags of her disappeared in the crowd.

In two years' time I won't be able to walk beside her and whine  about the heaviness of life, nor will I listen to her problems and comfort.

People that I know and love are leaving, for destinations worldwide in quality of Xinhua correspondent and soon I will follow them to Mexico city. Still I miss the time we spent together and the feeling of closeness we had.

I know I made the choice to go and I don't think I have good reason to regret.

Maybe I am just nervous, facing a strange environment and a lonesome two years' time.

Yesterday in the visa office of US embassy I whispered along the waiting Ava Adore of Smashing Pumpkins...We must never be apart...

We aren't. We will be on the same little planet and we will be in contact through email and IM. I tried to persuade myself.

Not quite successfully.

My sis asked me what I planned to do in two years and further on. I didn't give her a clear answer. Telling her I might go back to school for a master's degree and then? Dunno. Honestly. I live in an incurable chaos.

Hopefully in two years' time I can figure out what I really want to do and start organizing my life which supposedly will end sooner than I once expected (though later than I planned--wanted to die at the age of 27 like Jim Morrison did).

I was asked, if given a treasure map, what would be found in the end. My answer was a greedy full discovery of treasure. Same as Allan. Which means, we set our goals too high above reality and we might end up frustrated. Reasonable analysis, actually.

Being a type-A-blooded perfectionist I always seek the most complete, pity-less resolution and this does not always exist. Thus I lived my past twenty years in sorrow and regret. Thanks to natural-born prudence I missed a great deal of chances of adventure.

May I never repeat the same misery. Live my life with more courage and optimism, no matter in Beijing, L.A. or the Ciudad de Mexico.